Midnight Goddess

I just had a revelation

Ok I didn’t have it just now. I had it last Monday when I was all alone in the house. The kids were spending Sunday and Monday nights at Mom’s house so I was getting some much needed time and peace to myself. Of course, naturally I decided to clean house that day to get it over with.

But while I was sitting at the computer that morning, a flood of thoughts came rushing to my head. It happens whenever I have time alone to think. I’m a thinker. There’s no way around that.

Anyway, I realized in that moment that I spent 10+ years bitching, moaning, griping, complaining, whining, regretting… all the negative emotions came flooding to me. I was quite overwhelmed. I realized that I wasted a decade of my life blaming other people and circumstances for all that has gone wrong and continue to go wrong in my life. I was hardly accepting any of the blame myself. I made endless excuses and thought up all kinds of reasons why things haven’t gone my way. Granted, there have been a lot of obstacles in my life. But I haven’t been grateful enough about what I do have such as a great husband who works hard to support us, beautiful intelligent kids who love me dearly and bring me joy every day, the ability to be a stay at home mom to homeschool the kids, a safe place to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear, and some entertainment for all of us. Sure, we don’t have any lavish stuff and we don’t go on vacations. But we have a lot more than people who are down on their luck and are homeless.

I realized that I needed to stop making excuses and blaming other people and circumstances. It’s time for me to do what I need and what to do. Marty needs help with the finances. He has been trying to pay for over $5000 in expenses and bills every month on his own. He needs my help. I want a lot of things… mainly a house of our own, truck and a business for Marty, more clothes for us and the kids, dental and health insurance, money to fund my business venture… As you can see, what I’ve listed aren’t lavish or selfish by any means.

But in order for us to have all those things, I need to start making good steady money every month to help pay for our expenses as well as get all the things that I want for us and the family.

Sooooo… no more excuses.

We got into a huge fight early this morning because Marty had gotten up early to go to a breakfast meeting with the rest of the crew of Master Plumbing. Although the company’s been good to Marty and has helped us greatly in paying for our expenses, it’s greatly hindered him from pursuing his own dreams of running a landscape business. It was a nasty verbal fight that ended in me crying and him not going to the breakfast meeting. I feel real bad because I know he really wanted to go. He’s starving for friendship. He has no other friends other than me, Sean, and Matt from work.

So I decided not to ride his ass about this landscaping business. I’ll help him any way I can in pursuing his dreams. But I won’t bitch at him about it anymore. I’m a fuckin’ hypocrite. After all, I haven’t been helping Marty pay the bills. He’s been carrying it all on his shoulders and he’s under a lot of stress. The best I can do for him is to kick my own ass and pursue what I want and need to get for our family.

I also complain a lot about my extra weight. I know I’m not fat. But I don’t even know how much I weigh. The last time I checked was more than a year ago in WA and I was 120 lbs. I’m probably around that weight now, give or take a few pounds. So I downloaded a DVD of workout videos collectively known as Hip Hop Abs. It was recommended on WWL. I burned it to a DVD late last night and willed myself to try out the first video today. It was actually a lot of fun. The guy leading the video is a pretty cute, ripped black guy but I believe he’s gay. He move’s too female-sexy not to be. But that’s ok. Gay guys are cool. Anyway, the video was high impact, high energy. I was definitely working up a sweat but having lots of fun dancing to the music. I just need to do this once a day. I know I’ll lose at least 10 lbs doing it by the time I turn 29 in October. That’s only a few months away.