Midnight Goddess

I spend way too much time playing WoW. For me, it’s fun, exciting and a way for me to relax and get away from a dull existence. But I think I take it far too seriously to be considered just a casual WoW gamer. I’m not a freak like some people. There’s a guy out there wiht 35+ separate accounts on WoW! No, not 35+ separate characters. 35+ accounts! That could mean upwards of 350+ characters! Now that’s insane. I won’t get that far. There will probably be 2 separate accounts… one for me and one for Memphis. I’m sure he’ll love playing when he can better understand the game. It’ll be fun going on quests with him ;).

Anyway, I had come to the harsh realization that I can’t depend on a steady income from selling graphics to the Myspace site owners community. Especially when a good portion of my “competitors” are high school kids that don’t have any real financial responsibilities. They have Mom and Dad that support them. They sell their graphics for pennies. I will not stoop to that level and sell myself short. It’s absolutely degrading and I won’t have that. I have a family to take care of.

So I told Marty a few days ago that I was going to contact David at a webmaster forum that I used to frequent that I want him to close down my shop. I only made one sale there. There is a requirement that I have to produce 2 new packs per month to keep my shop open. And I just can’t do that when I can’t make enough money to warrrant creating new packs.

But even though I made the conscious decision to let go of the Myspace community as a way to make money, I still felt butt hurt and downright bitchy that night when I finally logged into the forum and got an email from Anne stating when I last posted a pack, when I last made any sort of post in the forum, and reminding me of the rules. She also said that I was given until Oct. 26 to notify the admins of my decision or the store will be closed. Lo and behold, when I checked the members shop, my shop was no where to be found. I felt like I was stabbed. I was absolutely angry. I didn’t respond to Anne’s email. Instead, I removed links to both forums where I used to sell my graphics. I don’t need them.

My plan to begin a legit business from home has been a dream I’ve had for almost a decade. It has been a concrete plan ever since I had Memphis, and even more so now that Jasmine is here. I am going to be a stay at home mom but I need to make a steady income from home to help Marty and our family. I’ve thought long and hard about what I want to do and over the decade, I’ve had some ideas. One of them I spent almost 8 years trying to make money. I made a little bit but not enough to depend on. I did the eBay thing and made some money but again, not enough. I’ve bought and read all kinds of ebooks on how to make money from home. I’m one of those suckers that keeps falling for the how to make a shitload of money from home trap. I guess I thoroughly enjoy reading about the people who make money online, whether it’s true or not. I also like seeing the “proof” of income generated, even if it’s Photoshopped.

I spent a lot of time over a long period finetuning my plan of action. I even went so far as typing it up and putting it in paper protectors inside a binder that I can look at. Yes, that’s my organizational skills at work. My organizing habit keeps me sane, calm, relaxed, and in control of at least some aspects of my life.

I took a small step towards financial independence by signing up for a premium shop at Cafepress. I’m sure most people can’t see that as a step towards financial independence. But to me, it is. I don’t have personal concrete proof that I’ll make money from having a Cafepress shop. But I know there are a lot of regular people who are successful with their stores. It’s not a huge risk to take. After the 2 week trial, it’ll be about $7 a month to maintain the shop. Cafepress will deduct the $7 first from whatever I make. And if that does’t cover the cost, they will then deduct it from my credit card. Cheesy easy.

I took a look at some of the products being sold in the Cafepress marketplace. Even though there are some really nice, intricate designs, for the most part it seems that the average, simple designs are also being sold. That calms my nerves a bit. There’s a shop that sells really cute, but very simple stick figure drawings on products. Cafepress seems to allow shopkeepers the abililty to sell products that are even racy, dirty, and sarcastic. I should be able to fit right in. Now all I need to do is get over my “creative block” and start drawing! I found a site by a guy named Marty who wrote a script that allows you to implement your Cafepress shop into your site and make it look like it’s 100% part of your site. And it cost about $20, right up my alley.

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Absolutely blows. I’ve been PMSing like crazy for the past week and a 1/2 so not only was I suffering but the rest of my family was suffering as well. I’ve been getting furiously mad at everyone for every thing, big and small. My patience was almost nonexistent. Sometimes I believe that I’m much better off having my period because my emotions aren’t out of whack. I’m not mood swinging and my body doesn’t hurt like hell.

Not only that but the economy has gone to complete shit. Normally, I don’t let it bother me because I can’t control it. I have a better chance of controlling our family’s economy. But the economy is seriously effecting my mom and Marty’s parents. His parents are stressing out hardcore. They’re among many people in this nation that are suffering from the stock market tanking like hell everyday.

Me and Marty have been fighting a lot the past 2 weeks. It’s been hard. The core of all of our fighting is mainly the lack of money. We always agreed that if we didn’t have money issues, our marriage would be just about perfect. It really would be. Can’t wait to win millions from the Mega Millions lottery.

Anyway, things were said between us that were not nice, downright mean. There was a lot of shouting and insulting.

Last week, me and the kids were at the neighborhood WaMu bank several times. Master Plumbing wrote Marty 2 separate business checks but they were addressed to Pro West Coast Services. So I had to go to the bank to deposit the checks for him. What a monstrous fiasco that started. Apparently, the bank had closed our business account the day before without our knowledge or consent due to the fact that there were no large deposits to the account since March. So I had to frantically search our apartment for the fictious business name statement which I found in a binder. Then I had to go back with it to the bank so that they would open a new business account. They refused to reopen the original account. That made us look like new business account owners which in essence made them hold our funds for 2 business days. Bullshit. We had to pay the fuckin rent! And I needed the funds in the account.

Over a week and many frustrating trips to the bank later, I managed to get the funds I needed into our personal account and gave Stephanie, our apartment complex manager, a bank certified check. Luckily she didn’t ding us for $50 for the check being late.

I really need to be making steady money. It’s that simple. But how to do that remains the frustrating question.

I talked to my aunt Cris last Friday. She told me that my aunt Josie is not cancer-free. Unfortunately, it spread through her body and she has at most 6 years to live. Aunt Cris reminded me to call Mom and I promised her I would. She told me that her and Donnelle are going to the Philippines for 3 weeks on Nov. 3. So they were inviting the whole family over to their house on the 2nd for a final get together before they leave. It would also be a good time for them to give Memphis his belated birthday gift. He’ll like that.

I called Mom yesterday and talked to her for about 45 minutes. We talked about my aunt Josie and how how it’s spooked Mom into going to the doctor get thoroughly checked out. She said she hasn’t been to the doctor for a decade! She’s going to be fasting on Sunday and then going in on Monday to get on the treadmill and getting bloodwork done. So she’s definitely not going to be able to watch the kids on my birthday that day. Oh well. They’ll see her another time.

We also talked about how a friend of Mom’s from Ian’s swim class is going through a bad time because last Sunday she found out that her husband got killed while riding his bike at night on a busy street in Gilroy. It was a complete shock, even for me. It just goes to show that you never when your time is up. It made me realize that I shouldn’t spend so much time being angry, frustrated, and stressed out. I need to spend more time being happy and grateful for what we have and our good health. Me and Mom talked at length about that. She told me that Nelson’s been stressed out lately because they might have to get rid of their once million dollar home and move into an apartment. She kept telling him that it’s ok, that they don’t need to have big house. As long as they have a place to live, food to eat, and good health, they’re ok. But he’s still stressing out.

It’s been a bad time for everyone lately.

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Just like missing pieces to the puzzle I call Life. Not all pieces are there but I was “given” some pieces to put into the puzzle. And I strongly believe that it’s all God’s doing. He hasn’t handed us everything on a silver platter. Because I think he wants us to learn because that’s what people do.

For many months we have sweated over how we were going to pay the $1700 taxes that we owed to WA Revenue for having a business there last year. Unfortunately, it wasn’t much of a business but Marty did make some money. We didn’t have $1700 to pay to WA Revenue so we have been putting it. It was a monstrously stressful weight that we were carrying on our shoulders. But a few days ago, we got a letter in the mail that the IRS owed us $700. Imagine that! We also found out around the same time that we actually owed WA Revenue less than $700. A few days later, we received a check in the mail from the IRS with about $730. We immediately deposited it and I turned around and paid WA Revenue what we owed them. A huge weight was lifted.

Recently, one of Bart’s newer employees bumped into Marty’s truck with Bart’s tractor. It caused a sizeable dent which pissed him off. Bart said he was willing to pay for the damages this time around but that next time, it would be solely Marty’s responsibility because it’s part of owning a business. Well Marty went to State Farm the other day and talked with the insurance rep. The guy was nice and said it was worth about $2200 in damages. After the $500 deductible, Marty received a check on the spot for $1750!! Isn’t that awesome?!? God’s work in progress… We were going to use all of that money to pay down our F350 truck debt. But Marty offered to let me use $1200 of that to pay off my 1 debt to Capital One. So I chose that route. Now I no longer have any debts to my name. 1 debt down, 6 more to go! My credit score should go through the roof in a few months! It’ll be like 700+, ideal for awesome mortgage and loan rates.

Marty also found a truck on Craigs List that is a commercial truck with a box and a GVW of 24000, exactly what he wanted. It’s a newer vehicle too. The guy was asking $11k+ for it. At first, we thought it was the same guy who sold us the Jeep. But they both are in the same building. Marty took the truck for a test drive and said it rides nicely. He told Bart about it and he likes the truck. Bart also said that the guy came down on the price to $10k+ out the door. So Bart’s having a dealership check the truck for any mechanical problems at his expense. If everything is ok then Bart and Marty will go in on the truck. Marty’s cost would be about $6500, $3500 less than what Bart originally wanted him to pay. Great news! They’ll find out by Wednesday if Bart is going to buy the truck. I’m crossing my fingers!

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Ok I didn’t have it just now. I had it last Monday when I was all alone in the house. The kids were spending Sunday and Monday nights at Mom’s house so I was getting some much needed time and peace to myself. Of course, naturally I decided to clean house that day to get it over with.

But while I was sitting at the computer that morning, a flood of thoughts came rushing to my head. It happens whenever I have time alone to think. I’m a thinker. There’s no way around that.

Anyway, I realized in that moment that I spent 10+ years bitching, moaning, griping, complaining, whining, regretting… all the negative emotions came flooding to me. I was quite overwhelmed. I realized that I wasted a decade of my life blaming other people and circumstances for all that has gone wrong and continue to go wrong in my life. I was hardly accepting any of the blame myself. I made endless excuses and thought up all kinds of reasons why things haven’t gone my way. Granted, there have been a lot of obstacles in my life. But I haven’t been grateful enough about what I do have such as a great husband who works hard to support us, beautiful intelligent kids who love me dearly and bring me joy every day, the ability to be a stay at home mom to homeschool the kids, a safe place to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear, and some entertainment for all of us. Sure, we don’t have any lavish stuff and we don’t go on vacations. But we have a lot more than people who are down on their luck and are homeless.

I realized that I needed to stop making excuses and blaming other people and circumstances. It’s time for me to do what I need and what to do. Marty needs help with the finances. He has been trying to pay for over $5000 in expenses and bills every month on his own. He needs my help. I want a lot of things… mainly a house of our own, truck and a business for Marty, more clothes for us and the kids, dental and health insurance, money to fund my business venture… As you can see, what I’ve listed aren’t lavish or selfish by any means.

But in order for us to have all those things, I need to start making good steady money every month to help pay for our expenses as well as get all the things that I want for us and the family.

Sooooo… no more excuses.

We got into a huge fight early this morning because Marty had gotten up early to go to a breakfast meeting with the rest of the crew of Master Plumbing. Although the company’s been good to Marty and has helped us greatly in paying for our expenses, it’s greatly hindered him from pursuing his own dreams of running a landscape business. It was a nasty verbal fight that ended in me crying and him not going to the breakfast meeting. I feel real bad because I know he really wanted to go. He’s starving for friendship. He has no other friends other than me, Sean, and Matt from work.

So I decided not to ride his ass about this landscaping business. I’ll help him any way I can in pursuing his dreams. But I won’t bitch at him about it anymore. I’m a fuckin’ hypocrite. After all, I haven’t been helping Marty pay the bills. He’s been carrying it all on his shoulders and he’s under a lot of stress. The best I can do for him is to kick my own ass and pursue what I want and need to get for our family.

I also complain a lot about my extra weight. I know I’m not fat. But I don’t even know how much I weigh. The last time I checked was more than a year ago in WA and I was 120 lbs. I’m probably around that weight now, give or take a few pounds. So I downloaded a DVD of workout videos collectively known as Hip Hop Abs. It was recommended on WWL. I burned it to a DVD late last night and willed myself to try out the first video today. It was actually a lot of fun. The guy leading the video is a pretty cute, ripped black guy but I believe he’s gay. He move’s too female-sexy not to be. But that’s ok. Gay guys are cool. Anyway, the video was high impact, high energy. I was definitely working up a sweat but having lots of fun dancing to the music. I just need to do this once a day. I know I’ll lose at least 10 lbs doing it by the time I turn 29 in October. That’s only a few months away.

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I spent a good majority of the day, starting early this morning (not common for me) pounding away at the Wordpress script for this site as well as my graphics site. I downloaded and uploaded themes and plugins. I deleted stuff. I tweaked stuff. I messed with stuff. I got frustrated a lot and wanted to bash my monitor in with a bat. But eventually after much determination I got both sites to look and function the way I want them to.

The blog is done… about as done as I want it at this point. I’m sure I’ll think of something else that I want to add to it.

As for the graphics site… it’s got a long ways to go. But it looks decent compared to how it looked this morning. I wasn’t sure how long it was going to take to get to where it’s at now. I’m pretty satisfied with it for the time being.

*sigh* I still have several other sites that need to be dealt with. It feels like a huge burden on my shoulders…

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